tales of a reject clown.
little miss
stephhanie ann hendricks
190188
impatient perfectionist
finds beauty in simplicity
heart over mind
scrabble queen
soduku champ
rugby
lazy sundays
sleep ins
purple and green and smurfs
was temesek polytechnic student
doing hospitality and tourism management
now murdoch university, perth
doing conservation and wildlife,
minor marine science
waiting for the world to change
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Friday, December 04, 2009, 2:16 PM
overload
gosh, has it been a semester since ive blogged??especially when lots have been happening.
i mean, LOTS.
lets see if my colourful soap opera life fits in dotpoints....
so my new place is rad.
housewarming and halloween was every better!
messy, but better.
met someone who could've been someone,
but i guess he didnt believe in it as much as i did,
or believe in me. or himself.
and its just such a waste. ah the fragility of humans.
sometimes i wonder where i get my patience and forgiveness from.
im not a bad person and i dont know why i let myself believe that at times im not good enough.
its not my fault if you can't man up to see me standing right there before you.
cant say i would regret anything, because it only makes me want to be
a better, stronger person, for myself and people in my life who deserve it.
its another reminder that i should live for myself in the here and now.
and that i owe it to everyone else who loves and care for me,
to love and care for myself too. amen.
ps, i dont know who u think u are to insult me or more importantly my family,
but you have alot of living to do young man, and i wish you well.
new friends and old/lost friends came back into my life.
im so glad to have such great people around me.
and the way they enter or come back to you couldnt be of utmost timing,
that sometimes you just feel blessed. that maybe after all, there are greater things to come
casey palmer, i think you deserve this bit.
to the girl who once use to snob me when we both first started uni,
im glad somehow, we managed to take the chance and time to hang out.
and ive really found a great friend, partner in crime, spew buddy in you.
you're godawesome. the un-chicken, un-minion version of the adventure thrill seeker i am.
the best part is that youve seen me in my best and worst days, and you always manage to turn my frown upside down. YEEEEEEAPPWW!
and you've defo made my life a little more colourful and unsober.
i love the chick you are and the person you make me become.
you keep this emotional wreck, grounded.
undeniably the best roadtrip/travel fart buddy.
ive never felt more like a student in my life till this semester.
self paced time management, getting heaps off assignments done
just one after another and another.
but jurien bay research project was fun. no seriously, FUN!
with all the great people you meet, the fishing and squidding
(caught my first squid and it was massive!!) the boozing, late night strolls and piggy back rides, bonfires. if only the bouncy castle was still inflated!! haha.
even took my first dump in the bushes!! LOL! now thats a story.
so yep, i guess only results will tell how well the semester went for me,
tho i am pretty confident! :)
uni is getting harder. and i guess i have decisions to make in terms of how long i want to stay in perth, and if the double degree is such a good idea. oh, and mapping out my next course of action too.
but im definately gonna give applying for PR a shot.
lu-anne came to visit for a week!! :)
it was fun and comforting to have home away from home.
it was fun and comforting to have home away from home.
took her to newport, the perth royal show, freo markets and harbour for sunday sesh, llama bar and hip-e club, taco night, fishing, hillarys boat harbour, gyspy tapas, garden city.
great great great week! such fun and carefessness with smiles and laughter to prove it.
and many photos that im too lazy to upload here since its in facebook, hehe.
havnt had much time to catch up with relatives this semester.
only seen my godparents, yvette, darren and (uncle)mr eds and aunty merle over my godma's 60th which was lovely. and another time when i bumped into my godparents at kaili's.
new year's resolution #1: make more time for the people in your life.
on the flip side 2 of my cousins gt married! but i missed it because i was in perth having exams! :( i wish you both well and great happiness! pity chinese new year is the day before my term commences :( i would definately have to make it up and make time to see my grandparents. i had a dream of my grandmother! oh how i miss her and waking her up from her naps when i use to live with her when i was 'yay' tall. hehe.
speaking of weddings,
abigail jansen is getting married! or well, already has but the ceremony is next year.
and im (the shortest) one of the bridesmaids!
it took me awhile to agree to it though. i couldnt comprehend, why me?
we were never that close in secondary school to begin with, and lets face it,
neither of us were exactly the nicest of friends to each other.
but given certain happenings in my life, i decided to catch up and just go for it.
people can change, right?
right on. i think she's gone so far in life, from the person she was and grown into this woman,
who's found someone who brings out the best in her and vice versa
that she's now accomplished; with a job, marriage and clear expression of no kids in the near future (haha). im so so proud and happy for this girl, and i couldnt have been happier to be standing with her on the altar, and pulling her dress up if she needs to pee.
you really know you've found someone, when you both can just act like kids together.
new year's resolution #2: dont forget you're allowed to act like a kid once in a while.
can't wait for the wedding!
though im still routing for you to have a little one on the way soon gail!! haha.
anyway, pictures are from when i was massively hungover and whinging when we caught up for a dress fitting and a 6hr lunch and coffee date where nadia (another bridesmaid) and gail TRICKED me into eating a bloody FISH EYEBALL! :(
one movement festival was fun.
wasnt really into the acts, just went there for the company.
wasnt really into the acts, just went there for the company.
from mark's bday in mt lawley then into perth.
overall, pretty awesome day getting lost from people and just soaking in the atmosphere and sun and got to catch up with most of the jurien people,
and laugh at them at uni the next day when they rock up still seedy faced. hehe.
at least this time around i got to see more of perth,
or at least broaden my range of places i go to, which is good.
the highlight of the semester was the post exam days!
ROADTRIP!!
headed up north with casey and valerie and toby sitting next to me, quiet for once!
first stop, dongra- master 4wdriver hit a tree this time around, was so funny! HAHA.
stomped on ant holes, got burnt on the beach (yes even asians burn!:( )
pub dindin was really good! and drinks. and the movie 'hook' after but all of us fell asleep! HAHA.
all but toby who kept annoying val and i the whole night.
rise and shine early next morning, and off the dampier we went 12hrs straight!
mama palmer made great pasta for tea and we just relaxed.
made a curry the next day, guitar hero and love actually made for a relaxing day.
other trip highlights include quad biking (awesome!), crabbing, fishing, getting raped by flies, point samson fish and chips, wave skiing, slicing my thumb open, bbq, horse riding into the beach, mexican night and drunken mermaid nights! sick fun!!
oh! and i bumped into chris, who lives on the same street as me but we never catch up, only to see and hang out together 2000km away from perth. thats unreal! haha.
had such a blast with casey and val, made great friends. i love dampier and its lifestyle.
one week there and im mellow as a marshmellow. great (drunken) times.
especially on the last pissy night. oh so so funny, PABLO!
new year's resolution #3: live. laugh. love. and travel!
oh, and i dispise people like you who think u are gods gift to women,
who thinks u have the right to label people.
i just find it so insultingly rude that just because im asian and look so different from everyone else in the pub, that even in my flip flops and beach dress, you did what you did. theres a different between being cheeky and just a jerk. i dont know why i let you make me get so upset, but its people like you i dispise so so much who think u can get what you want.
honey, never in a million years. i hope you burn in herpes hell.
after a week of obnoxious eating and drinking, i declare, DETOX MODE!! :(
hello salads and not so much hello to yummy singapore food and alcohol.
overall, this semester with the people coming and going in my life.
ive learnt how to just be happy. easier said then done, but i try to make it a point to make sure i wake up every morning a happier, better person buldozing my way through.
definately looking forward to going up to sweden for a white christmas and spend sometime with my sisters, and my dad who i have now gotten to know in a new light.
i guess it is true, another year older, another year wiser.
so right now,im just on a high on life :)
mellow and optimistic.
mellow and optimistic.
esp after the news this morning, and the happy dance i did when no one was watching.
i just know i must be doing somethings right to feel like i am on the right track.
thank you big man up there!
new year's resolution #4: BE HAPPY!! and grateful (meaning to whinge less missy!)
ps. happy holidays! i know im having them! :)
Sunday, July 12, 2009, 8:16 PM
nobody but you.
this is the funnest hangover day ive ever had,
hands down.
hands down.
never really sleep well intoxicated.
so woke up early, force fed myself some noodles and soup
while watching push.
then spent the rest of the arvo mermaiding in bed.
bird and i just took turns doing all sorts of weird quizes on facebook.
apparently my gettho name is POOKIE,
puki means vagina in malay. WTF.
i'm missing a halo because im 0% bitchy, i have OCD,
and i need a map because im lost in your eyes.
hahaha.
phiat phiat phiat phiat.
and then i was remember all the stupid things lu and i got up to last night,
while trying to recall and equate my state of hungover-ness with how much i drank.
we had a cook up - cheesy baked rice, garlicy french fries, terriyaki salmon, veg and profiterolls
over moscato, vodka green tea and pepsi.
we watched bits of MJ's memorial...
true he was an icon and he brings the world together with his music,
more importantly, you remeber he is human;
he's someone's somebody.
i cant help but think, have I personally done enough that come my time of passing
that i'll be blessed to have people remember who i was and how i lived.
will i have made my mark on the world if not in the worlds of people close to my heart?
...anyway since we were on the youtube site, we ventured back to an old clip lu sent me before
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LniPZTtSHXU
nodoby but you by the wonder girls.
lu didnt believe me when i said i know some of the dance bits.
so i showed her, and we both ended up dancing it, WTF. haha .
in the middle of the night when everyones fast asleep u get 2 idiots giggling away
not that we did the video or dance steps any justice either!
pump room was the first stop to meet nick and the gang: olivia, cyril, jess, marcus, nick's friends tilo, william, john
bartop dancing for the chickys minus lu, who went to fetch us jaeger bombs.
i remember drinking out of the vodka bottle!! wtf was i thinking.
to zouk we trotted on. this was the highlight of the night.
the boys wanted to get hotdogs which they did.
being the lu and steph, we guarded the condiments part because...
we wanted to squeeze the sauce on the dogs!! LOL.
those who didnt let us sauce their dogs up had sauce nozzles pointed at them.
very effective i must add.
we even got creative in adding onions and relish etc.
talk about good service, we're the condiments queens :)
bumped into sean paul, and met up with sa and ian.
dancing dancing the night away, and then back to clarke quay for maccas.
that cheeseburger SO messed up my tummy for some reason.
no more drinking for me in a long while!
and no more bringing my phone out when im possibly going to get drunk!
jia yi came over. bird and her didnt believe me when i said i can do the
'nobody but you' dance.
so i did it, TWICE.
and it got me a yummo prawn noodles soup for dinner :)
thanks jia yi!
and my long time msn buddy who has been missing for ages has returned.
cliffy choppy waters poo, welcome back i missed blue.
just waiting for harpers island to start. one by one.
ill be back in perth soon.
and i can't hardly wait. :)
with so much to look forward too, i can't decide what's first!
oh, decisions decisions..
but i know im excited to live in my house.
cant believe i got the keys and flew off on the same day!!
who wouldnt be excited about a place like thi?? :)
esp the gorgeous kitchen. can't wait for our cocktail night housewarming party.
nor my taco night, wino sesh, footy game, tri nations boks vs wallabies (go boks!), movie nights, ice age 3!, scrabble ass kicking, pizza nights.
i cant remember what else, hmmmm?
knowing my next 5 steps is enough ammo to get me along just a-okly.
and i had enough of getting caught on the least favoured side,
the final straw's drawn, over my expense.
stop doing this to me, please.
Monday, July 06, 2009, 11:02 PM
ruckbee
heres the low down,with the scrum down.
it all went down at st andrew's.
and we've had a full pack of 25 girls for once.
kick off was at 745pm. subbed in second half as a loose prop!
ok, from playing in the backs,
to kinda trying hooker at training, to prop. mama?
but its true, as long as you play with a big heart,
everything else doesnt come close to mattering.
and bucks women, WAY TO GO!
way to get in there, suck it up,
rough it out, and still party the night away.
watching the earlier match at st andrews
blacks vs bucks: scrum
bucks
post match boozin at our club sponsor BQ BAR
nothing beats a cold one....
or a boatrace full!!
nor a bartop dance...
we love it!
shi han, can you handle it?
not soo much i guess, en route to our next destination,
CHINAONE for some dancing! shi hanmerlion!
organic fertilizer she says.
rocking out to the band at chinaone...
in our stripey socks theme!! :)
one for the puki!!
and look who we bumped into....
my lil sister, bird!
one of the bucks boys drunk for their golf pub crawling.
and big friendly giant matt hall!
heres to the court session that never happened
ning - you came in time to miss the boat races!
andrea - you need shoulder pads
shi han - the picture says it all
anne - because we cant get enough of your boobies
kidd - being decevingly small but a monster beer guzzler
steph k - you wore sexy heels to the game and after because you "came from church"
crystal - the "social drinker". no such thing, drinker is drinker! :)
tiffany - for the teaspoon of beer left costing us the boatrace
pei - for actually calling the disquilification !!
steph - will just drink for the hell of it
great awesome night, and we love it long time.
looking forward to ladies nights this week,
training, and possibly game in malaysia.
might be trippin back to perth next week,
so im making the most of the rest of my time.
baby, i'm a superstar! :)
Thursday, July 02, 2009, 11:57 AM
tofixu
do you ever question your existence?or get the feeling that all you're meant to do,
is 'fix' someone, and you dont reap what you sow?
people can change, for the better.
and somehow this is the first thing i see in people;
their potential to change, if they tried enough.
and believe in what i see, know, and feel.
ive been in my share of relationships,
and often, its the ones that hurt the most that you remember.
you have that extra attachment to the person.
that extra ounce of faith and hope that one day they'll come around,
just suck it up, hang in there.
till the point where the rubber band is stretched snapped;
you're going in different directions.
but we learn to move on,
you learn to keep it real.
taking a step back and looking in, we all come out of relationships better people.
or at least we heal to be one,
its easier to find peace and ease guilt this way sometimes.
i feel happy to influence positive changes,
that he learnt to be a better man, the one i knew all along he was.
that he is capable of greater, bigger things, and he's building his dream.
but wouldn't you think, why the changes after me?
why not during? why not for me?
i dont think im not deserving.
was i impatient, or was it just meant to be?
the whys and why nots will forever haunt me,
with questions i cant answer, the nagging doubts.
but im content, the world could really use with better people.
and ive inscribed a few names on that wall.
im starting to resignate to my fate of 'fixing' people,
and having other people to come enjoy the benefit
when im still stuck here with thoughts echoing in my head.
and wondering, when is someone going to fix me instead?
and maybe this time,
stay.
Thursday, June 25, 2009, 4:28 PM
making plans
a wise man once said"if you fail to plan, you plan to fail",
but that wise man never continued to explain,
what if that plan fails, what then?
why plan?
my plans never seem to pan out,
it often led me down different roads,
and having too much assumptions, faith and hope.
that ultimatey leads to a path of disappointments.
im a goal oriented person, naturally i make plans
based on logical current situations.
and situations change.
back at to the drawing board at square 1 i draw new contingency plans.
so how do i learn to live a day at a time.
10 years ago, i DEFINATELY didnt plan on being where i am now.
i was suppose to be sucessful even at a young age.
i never even thought id be in university.
i had so many people believe in me that made me believe in myself even more.
but life took a different path for me.
decisions i sometimes cannot comprehend.
but ive made new friends and saw myself having less good friends.
coming back 2 weeks ago you just know,
who makes the time and effort to be happy that you're back,
and catch up with you and tell lies that 'no, youre not THAT fat'.
those that remember you dont eat wasabi with your sushi so gets
seperate soy sauce dishes.
those who stay up all night lying in the dark talking about how it was like
when we were young, and laugh till the sun rises.
those who you dont see or talk to as often as you should,
but theres a silent comfort that you've known that person for so much of your life
and life to come that you're part of this big circle.
those who've popped up at intervals of your life and seen you at your many stages.
those, who've been there long long time.
just in the span of 2 weeks, i got to spend birthdays with important people in my life.
my best friend lu-anne, and the twice in a week international buffet
at fairmont hotel till my stomach was pressing my lungs.
oysters and prawns will prolly be soon in extinction. but YUM.
my good friend alyssa, whom i known since pri1.
she holds a special place in my memory and heart. shes prolly the only
person outside of my family thats seen the phases of my hairstyles, LOL!
got to see and hangout with my dear rachel as well,
i wished the clock stops when im with you the IPHONE HOGGER!!
my good friend naomi, though i havnt seen her in a long while,
my dive buddy still laughs at my cheesy texts msgs, and i miss you the most.
my dear sister tiffany, whos birthday is this sunday.
i love you best my girl. ok, maybe u have to fight that position out
with bird. she does after all spend more nights pigging out with me over
movies. but near or far, when it comes to you, i know you're always there
and i hope you remember its the same for you, and more.
i got to see and club with a few of my favourite touch girls from TP,
shimo, ruby and lu. was sad to miss haha who went to bangkok,
azlina, supi and dee, i miss you too! hopefully a kumar night before i leave.
and all this, i never planned. it just happened.
and its what i wanted and more.
so underneath it all, can someone just shoot that wise man.
his theory didnt really work for me :)
plans are hopeful routes you draw out and hope that itll pay off,
hopes come with disappointments.
well, until i feel otherwise.
eyes only lock in chick flicks and not in the real world.
i know, because nothing lasts forever.
so why plan to.
as long as i know where the people i love are,
thats where i know my heart and hopes lie,
and that's where i plan to keep it.
i feel comfort in playing it safe.
beauty in the breakdown.
Thursday, June 18, 2009, 12:09 AM
hello goodbye
and im holding on to the last ounce of hope and faiththat 'things' come with patience.
people always leave, ive had enough of goodbyes.
i'm never good with it.
im never good being on my own.
im just missing the part where i have that someone else,
who brings out the best in me, carefreely.
or maybe i just have to learn to do that for myself on my own.
in time.
i'll just wait to be found whilst drowning
in let downs and disappointments.
deeper and deeper as i lose sight of who i am
and where i want to be.
i'll be better, at waiting.
this game is not as fun anymore.
where somethings so simple are so simply overlooked.
im getting used to the cringing pain in this beating thing within my chest
that i'm quite liking it.
there's something out there, i can feel it
but i can't see the tracks in this darkness.
can someone hand me the torch light and hold my hand?
but for now, for tonight, after my bedside prayer
i'll fall asleep curled up like a child with a pillow behind my back;
hopeful.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009, 5:23 PM
blessed
stephanie is blessed.to have so many people who touch my life, in many little ways.
lulu
your understanding of my thoughts and feelings even from another continent astounds me, how we pull each other through on the same boat and brave the storm together. no one knows and understands me like you do, nor makes me laugh till its too hot to handle. i love you bestie. ps, you're not average.
rachel merrie chong chong
for being that listening ear when i least expect it. i miss you darl, and i can't wait to be back, drinkin whisky out of the bottle, not thinking about tomorrow! (and then drawing tic tac toe on your back)
charlene
for being the one and only person who cares so much, enough to want to sit and watch me cry my heart out. usually i cry alone because i'm proud like that but it actually felt darn good. no thanks can never be enough my awesome possem friend.
daniel osgodby
me guy bestie, you ze best. even though we don't speak as often as we do or should, i always know you got my back like i got yours. and when my world turns to grey, i know you will still somehow fart out a rainbow, if not a absinth shot. to my quiz night buddy who can drink shots after shots after shots and still survive to stagger to mcdonalds and catch the cab after 6am surcharge, cheers to that buddy and i call for another boatrace so i can beat more guys.
my john butler pascal
for putting the rythm back into my life in your simple hippie ways; spontaneous dancing and singing into torch lights, cooking awesome dinners which you catch especially crusty the crayfish, fellow waste of couch space over foreign films (to me at least) and for sitting through the WHOLE day of mixed touch. who knew tasteless rice bubbles without milk (pronounced mee-ilk) was so much fun popping and tossing and yum on nuttela on bread. ps, i still love milo better.
ine and anand
for the cold hard slaps of truth from prospectives ive never considered. the sense and truth that i've so stubbornly ignored or blind to see. like a rainbow after a storm, it was easier feeling unalone.
yaz
for taking charlene and i fishing. its bloody thereputhic, move over shopping theraphy. and for your kind compliments, you're my pillar of assurance.
my housemates; hani, morgan, paul, hans
for being the familiar faces i come home to everyday, like home away from home. who put up with my sulky self on my off days, when i'm just a waste of space on the couch over wii or movies after movies, leave me alone at scary movies late at night in the dark, watch me slice my thumb while making mojitoes/fingers and being cool about it, keeps my 6 o'clock simpsons spot on the couch for me. mexican night soon will be a blast.
skype!
for letting me connect with my family back home, seeing the face to the voice and my morning glory! :) i miss everyone, the safe santuary home is and its warmth admidst the crazy squeeling whining and laughter in the house of girls. am counting down the days till i'm back.
family
those that i see here once in awhile for catch ups over lunch, coffee or beer. its my escape whe the world gets hella crazy. vettie b, talking wogs and hogs over cheesy wedges, beer, wine, frengeliko as we hopped from como to windsor to burswood, made me feel hella better and normal.
kevin
you keep it real for me, dawg.
alyssa ann de souza
for just being along part of my life with cherishable memories as we grew up, studied together, played together, worked together, laughed and partied together. not many people can say 'i know her since i was 7', and its been hawsome.
hafizah hamzah
i miss your peaches, skinny ass. i can't wait to catch up with you when i'm back! gossip and updates. i miss you and our bus 23 trips.
when i'm down, i always come to think in my wandering silence.
how did i ever leave everyone i love behind?
then i've realised, i've been lucky to love.
and be loved.
to those that i've not mentioned, seen or heard from (and vice versa),
you're not forgotten.
and i'm certain our paths will cross one way or another.
because i'm truly blessed.
to have met so many beautiful souls in this lifetime.
and underneath it all,
i'm a happy contented girl just knowing this feeling.
that i'm blessed. <3
Thursday, April 16, 2009, 6:26 PM
gone fishing too
lovely day out, to get some air and relax.reeling in thoughts and casting out emotions.
our first spot under the bridge was nice.
cold, but nice to just stop, lay back and watch clouds above float by;
the sweet smell of carefree in this cruel world.
caught 4 fishies!! but they damn blowies :(
but somtimes, it always comes down to your signs.
on how i try to go away like you want,
when everything around just reminds me of you.
when everything around just reminds me of you.
being lost in a moment, almost like being
half naked on a scooter up this long winding road.
and if this is the big man's idea of a joke,
it sure as hell is funny.
and if this is the big man's idea of a joke,
it sure as hell is funny.
its a snigger, a 5 second lapse; the standstill.
followed by a baby sigh,
before you continue trekking forward,
trying not to trip like a clumsy bum.
we rocked up to this black____ place
where people go cliff jumping.
spectaculor.
maybe somewhere in the universe,
someone understands how it is like,
by being in your moment, or is in that same moment.
almost like a syncronised heartbeat and
reason behind a decietful smile and truthful eyes.
because when life is short, cruel and unpredictable,
because when life is short, cruel and unpredictable,
you indulge desperately in evert sweet pleasure that comes along.
maybe, i'm just a dreamer.
Monday, April 13, 2009, 11:22 PM
the final letter, j.
its heartwrenching.to feel like that secret that never existed.
thrown out and forgotten like yesterdays trash.
ive been brought on a ride, it was only good for you.
it was never me to begin with, was it.
i was the inbetweener, the rebound.
why couldnt you be proud of me?
because i wasnt good enough?
why are you so indifferent?
i was just the rebound.
and it hurts even more at how fast you want me to move on,
because you found another option to move on with.
i hope you're happy that you've crush the thread of hope i hang on to,
that belief that this world has a place for love and compassion.
i'm still that girl who pulls your shirt up from the back of the scooter,
who laughs at youur orchestra of farts, who lazes in bed with icypoles while watching tele,
who puts up with ur long phone calls when we're out together,
who watches you get pissed on 2 glasses of wine then take care of you at night,
who tells you which shoes to wear because quite frankly, your first choices doesnt match,
who says she won't kiss you till you shave but still do anyways,
who waits to have dinner with you, who wakes up early when you go to work.
i'm still that girl you sat with on the bench by the river as black swans swam past.
and when your ideal chick comes along, you don't hesitate to tell me 'move on'.
so i dont know how less a hurt to feel, that i couldn't make you stay.
that you're already intimate with someone else.
that my fear of being replaced, has happened.
that everytime the door outside my window slams,
i listen for that knock on my front door,
and now know why, that day will never come again.
i waited, and you pushed me away from behind the wall you hide behind in your heart.
i ran, and you watched me go as you took steps back into your life.
like i never happened.
you've killed me and all that i feel in that organ beating in my chest.
and i know, you've actually made your mind up,
right from the very start.
and one day, i'll find that hope once again.
if not with you, with someone else.
and i'll hang on to it.
i have too much love in my heart, to waste it on tears.
love,
the last of me.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009, 10:46 AM
lovelockdown
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted toWhat I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home
So you never know, never never know
Never know enough, 'til it's over, love'
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin', "No, no, no, n-no!?
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I wanna move but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin' to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself and still keep you too
So I keep in mind when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I tell ya for it finally got through?
You lose, you lose
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just racin? time, where's the finish line?
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I bet no one knew, I got no one new
Know I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin', keep the lovin' goin'
Keep it on a roll, only God knows
If I be with you, baby I'm confused
You choose, you choose
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I don't need you
I've been down this road, too many times before
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
So keep your love locked down, your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, your love locked down
I keep your love locked down, you lose
-Kayne West - Love Lockdown <3
Saturday, March 14, 2009, 12:07 PM
the letter j(ii)
im leaving, because theres no reason for me to stay.and beacause you've made it easy.
i missed you. its so hard when everything around me reminds me of you.
but you're indifferent.
blind to how my heart bleeds behind my half plastic smile.
deaf to my screaming pain.
almost like a stranger, you don't see me.
you're doing alright when i'm the wreck.
so why should i do this to myself when you're all good.
maybe its me who needs you.
but no more.
its closure, when you had a chance you dont take.
its something we both have to live with.
at least my concious is clear.
and i hope you'll find everything, worth it.
because i was.
still, me
Sunday, March 08, 2009, 12:39 PM
the letter j
when everything is not enough,it leaves you in shambles of second guessing yourself.
and i gave it my all, ive loved ever so passionately.
all i wanted was to be seen, like a human with a beating heart.
respected and appreciated.
i'm not second best, i screamed on deaf ears.
why do i let you beat me down?
i make myself the victim of your excuses of wrong timings.
i'm not a mistake, my decisions were.
i stood by you, and you stood by as i climbed away with battered knees.
i'm better then this, and so were the you i thought i knew.
if this is your way of getting over you hurdles, i want no part of it.
how could you be so cruel, yet you expect honesty from me.
im no a saint, but i wish this on no one.
this is my reminder of not letting myself love me less
for someone else's benefits and ignorance
you dont deserve me, and i dont deserve this.
so be happy - buy yourself a boat, a car,
a new house with a different body between your sheets everynight.
i'm done with waiting, you're not good news.
and ive been tainted by the real world where sex is the answer,
where scandals, meaningless one sided conversations and flirts keep that smile on your face.
and i thought i was the one living in denial.
how could you tear me down like this,
when ive been nothing but the best to you.
i hope youre happy now.
and eventually ill learn to be once again.
me.
Monday, February 23, 2009, 11:48 AM
gone fishing, FINALLY.
so finally, we've gone fishing.straight off the streets of freo, drunk, dancing and screaming our hearts content.
are we human, or are we dancers? ha.
woodmand point was out own after party,
casting rods, basking in the sun on the pier.
all i caught was a sock, and a GIGANTIC starfish trampled into our cage.
did i mention, it was GIGANTIC?
Saturday, February 14, 2009, 11:46 AM
vblay
valentines day and santa claus have alot in common.they should take it up with the lepricorns.
Monday, February 02, 2009, 11:21 AM
january 2009
growing up in a place you're whole life,you get bored of it after awhile.
everythings slowly changing, like ants scrambling even quicker.
slowly, home seems migratory.
so i went back to perth a month early.
spent more time being independant,
more time with people whom i dont usually do.
who'd ever thought going to the beach alone on a nice summer day was an escape.
ipod with good shuffles, cosmo, sun and sand.
got to spend my 21st undrunk as i wanted.
with friends, and family.
ive never felt so blessed.
even without a birthday cake and candle for a wish.
i think i cheated last year with two.
but i was content. i was free.
lone trips to the mall, to the grocers, to the beach.
dancing like no ones watching.
and that was my january.
i wear my heart on my sleeve and hide behind a smile.
and it felt darn good.
but there'll always be that missing piece, i cant figure what.
or its exact emotion or trigger.
i feel less then the best of me.
i think its called, a secret yearning.
but for now, i'll just twirl in the moment.
and leave bull wrestlings for tomorrows.